Angelina Jolie's Oscar To Do List

CRY. Cry a lot. Oh and scream and yell some too. And don't forget your straight jacket scene. If your name is Angelina Jolie, this is exactly what you need to do to garner an Oscar nomination. See Exhibit A:



Jolie's Oscar To Do List:
1. Scream a lot ✓
2. Cry a lot ✓
3. Straight jacket ✓
4. Get nominated ✓




"Ok, it's just one film, and she was playing a character in a mental institution," you may say. And I see your point. But point, counter-point with Exhibit B:


Jolie's Oscar To Do List:
1. Scream a lot ✓
2. Cry a lot ✓
3. Straight jacket
4. Get nominated ✓




Alright, so no straight jacket this time. But, I've saved my trump card for last. I give you ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Exhibit C AND Exhibit D:


Crying, and lots of it...










JACKPOT!
Jolie's Oscar To Do List:
1. Scream a lot ✓
2. Cry a lot ✓✓✓✓
3. Straight jacket ✓
4. Get nominated ✓





I threw some extra check marks in there for the crying item, as I felt it was appropriate. I hope my demonstration has persuaded you, if not I hope it provided a few laughs.

It's been awhile since I've seen Changeling, so I'm not going to write a review of it since I don't think it'd really be fair or accurate enough. All I will say about the film is that I thought it was good, though not one of Eastwood's best. And as much as I'm bashing on Jolie in this post, it's not really because her performance was bad in the film, but rather that I am making an observation of a pattern I have noticed in her roles/acting style. Because that's what we do here at The Cheap Seats. We make fun of people like Angelina Jolie. And let's not forget Maggie Gyllenhaal. It's not that I hate Maggie or really Angelina for that matter, but I was just making an observation.

Liam Neeson's Stock Just Went Up 100 points: Taken Review

The moral of this movie is to never go into a theater with high expectations. After seeing the preview for this action film, I did not expect much. Surprisingly, this worked to the movie's advantage. The movie is an homage to the old school action flicks, like Arnold Schwarzeneggar's Commando, where one guy takes down like an entire effin' army single-handedly. Not only does the movie succeed in being faithful to the old style, it exceeds it. Every part to make a successful homage is there: it's cheesy as hell, laughable at many parts, and the cliché lines from Neeson are quite entertaining. At one part in the film he tells an old friend who now works for the French government: "I'll tear down the Eiffel Tower if I have to." Awesome. You do that Liam, you do that. From Oskar Schindler to rampaging one-man shit show?? Impressive.

The plot is pretty basic. We start out meeting Neeson's character, a recently retired spy or CIA agent guy, who is trying to improve the relationship with his 17 year-old daughter. The daughter now lives with her mother and her super wealthy step-father. Poor Neeson, can only afford a cheap-ass karaoke machine for her birthday, while her step-father gets her a pony. Tear... Anyways, we learn that Neeson is a bad-ass mofo, since he takes down some random guy with a knife trying to hurt a pop star. Hilarious scene. But the movie starts moving when his daughter goes with her slutty friend to Paris for a Eurotrip. Just like the plot from Commando, the daughter gets kidnapped by some bad guys, and dad must come to the rescue. So Neeson goes to Paris on a one-man mission of kicking ass and taking names. I won't say anymore about what happens, except to mention that what follows is an hour long journey that involves guy getting hit by truck, sex slaves, pimping, some Albanians, Arab Sheiks, and shooting an old friend's wife in the arm. What more do I need to say to motivate you to see this movie??? Just check out this little mini-comic that gives you a brief glimpse of the awesomeness you're missing:

If Meryl Streep was about 15 years younger, and a dude, she would totally be all over this film. I give Taken 4 Meryls. I would've gone for 5, except for the fact that there is a happy ending, and we all know I hate happy endings.

Slumdog Millionaire: a stylishly shot collection of clichés

After writing my review of Slumdog Millionaire, I felt that there was still something that could be added to better get my point across. Dennis Lim is a much more eloquent writer than I am, and I found that his article on Slumdog hit the nerve of what I was attempting to articulate in my own review.

How to win an Oscar by ruining your face and being mentally unstable: The Wrestler Review

There are some roles that are just made for an actor. Mickey Rourke's turn as Randy "the Ram", a washed up wrestler from the 80's, is one of those roles. Rourke himself was a big star in the 80's, falling into obscurity after becoming a professional boxer and a few mildly psychotic episodes on the set of various films. Now, he's a major Oscar contender. Rourke is Randy "The Ram." Without Rourke, the film wouldn't have had nearly the same amount of power or effectiveness. He has lived the life of Randy the Ram. I mean, just look at his face, before and after his turn as a professional boxer in the 90's:
The Wrestler follows the daily life of Randy "The Ram," as he performs at second rate wrestling shows in school gymnasiums, gets locked out his trailer, and works at a local grocery store. His relationship with his daughter is pretty horrible, and though he tries to mend it, things go awry when he gets distracted by a little bit of coke and some skank with a fetish for firemen. His only friend/love interest is the stripper single mom, Marisa Tomei. Who also does a fine job in the film. Anyways, Randy learns that he has a heart condition after a very violent and visually disturbing wrestling match with some guy that involves barbed wire, a staple gun, and a ladder, and thus decides to give up wrestling and attempt to live a normal life. Will his new life last? Or will he return to the ring, putting his life at risk? You will just have to watch the movie to find out. And I certainly recommend you watch this movie. Rourke really has the best performance of the year.

Suffice it to say, I really enjoyed this film due to 4 major things: it was depressing, it really gave a nice sense of realism, Rourke was awesome, and it was fantastically directed by Aronofsky. Aronofsky really knows how to shoot messed up, horribly depressing movies (see Requiem for a Dream). If Rourke doesn't pick up the Oscar for best actor, then something is seriously wrong with the Academy. I give The Wrestler 4 Meryls.

Maggie Gyllenhaal's face?

After seeing The Dark Knight, I had a lingering annoyance in the fact that Maggie Gyllenhaal's face reminded me of something. After dwelling on the issue for a couple of days, which included numerous discussions with John, we came up with a few possibilities:

Close, but I think we can do better....

Getting warmer....


And we have a winner!!! Melted pumpkin face. I'm glad this dispute has been settled once and for all.

Why most movie-goers are idiots:

Highest Grossing Movie of the Week: Paul Blart: Mall Cop

As the Oscars approach, I've been reading many complaints about how the Academy does not take into account a movie's box office performance as much as it should when picking nominees. I'll use the link above to illustrate a point: movies that do well at the box office are not necessarily good movies. In fact, they are often horrible movies, as the top grossing movie of the past two weeks has been. You may ask, "well Mindy, have you even seen the Mall Cop film?". And I would reply, "I saw the trailer, and it was sufficiently shitty enough for me to get a good enough idea that this movie is a grade A piece of crap." Do you really think I'm about to drop $10 on a film like this?? I rather pay that money to re-watch Slumdog Millionaire, which I only gave 3 Meryls.

I guess who ever green-lighted this awesome idea of a movie was banking on the fact that no other half-decent movie would be debuting during the same. If you are short on ideas about what to do on your Friday night, and tough economic times are making the movies a more popular option, I suggest going down to your local bar and getting drunk on Old Style canned beer, which sure enough would be cheaper than what you'd pay to see this movie.

Most OVERRATED Movie of the year: Slumdog Millionaire

First, let me start with an article I read on Time's website about how Indians hate Slumdog Millionaire. Such a reaction I find to be completely understandable, since the movie is patronizing and a re-telling of the most prototypical Hollywood movie plot. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back. The fact that the movie is centered around Indian characters does not make this movie some profound new concept. The film is typical feel-good gooey Hollywood B.S. disguised as a world enlightened depiction of the struggles of people in a third world country.

Basic synopsis - the film starts off in the present where the main character is a contestant on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire. He is doing remarkably well, since he had grown up in the slums of Mumbai and has had no formal education. Thus, he is tortured in an attempt to get him to admit that he has cheated, and in a series of flashbacks, we the viewer learn of his life's experiences that have provided him with the answers to the questions. In the flashbacks, we learn that he and his brother witnessed their mother brutally killed, and are then picked up by con-men and forced to become beggars to earn them money. Along the way they meet a young girl about their age who has also lost her family. Predictably enough, the main character, Jamal, and the young girl, Latika, become very close, while Jamal's brother becomes a thug of sorts. Yada yada yada, let's skip a few years and the boys and girl are separated. When they find her again, she is pulling some kind of tricks or something. Jamal's brother then loses his damn mind, tries to hook up with Latika, and Jamal runs off, not finding his brother and Latika afterwards. Now back to the present. He finds his brother again, and subsequently Latika, who is now the girlfriend of some shady gangster that Jamal's brother works for. I'm not going to give away any more of the ending, but I'm sure that if you thought about it hard enough, you could probably come up with it on your own, right down to the final question that Jamal is asked to win the million dollars. Boy meets girl, loses girl, gets girl back. Stereotypical Hollywood formula. Basically a plot out of some shitty romance novel, that just happens to be set in India. Ohhhh mixing it up a bit I see. How fitting it would be if Jamal and Latika got married, etc, moved to the suburbs and then find out for themselves why Kate and Leo lose their damn minds in the far superior Revolutionary Road???

Most people enjoy this movie, and I think it is mainly because it has such a nice happy ending. In my opinion, it has a nice little, completely PREDICTABLE ending. I'm so sick of this cheesy garbage coming out of Hollywood that is supposed to make you feel good. I've seen this movie before, but with different actors. I guess I'm also supposed to like it because of the horrible conditions it shows of the slums and poverty in Mumbai. I know there is horrible poverty in Mumbai, I don't need to be reminded about it in an extravagant, pretentious Hollywood film, which by the way was directed by the British Danny Boyle.

Don't get me wrong, the movie was not horrible. I am not saying that it is. But best movie of the year?? I completely disagree. It will most likely end up being the Crash of 2008. Not the best movie of the year, but the promoters push it hard enough, and suddenly it's at the top of everyone, including the Academy's lists. It will most likely win Best Picture, and then a year or so later, everyone will come to their senses and admit that it really wasn't the best picture of the year, just the most commercial out of the nominees.

The one compliment I can give the film is that it is shot very well, and the cinematography is fantastic. Soundtrack is also good, with the sampling of MIA mixed in. And I guess if I was having a really bad day, and needed some cheering up??? Maybe I would decide to watch this instead of Revolutionary Road or Sophie's Choice. Which brings me to my final point: would Meryl Streep ever do a movie like this??? Well, she's not Indian, but besides that?? Most definitely NO. IT'S TOO DAMN HAPPY!!!!!!!!! I give it 3 Meryls.